Can't Let It Go
by distorted realities
Summary: Another take on how Addison and Derek could end. Addek and MerDer friendly. Give it a chance!


_**Can't Let It Go** _

**Summary:** Addison's tired of this game  
**Author's Note:** I should be working on "The Season of Giving," but I'm not in a mood to like think about long drawn out stories. This could be multichaptered, if I broke it up, but I don't really want to. Anyway, I'm a huge Addison fan, but the more I see of her and Derek, the more I realize it won't work. He just doesn't love her enough. And she's letting him get away with it. She deserves better. She deserves to be loved like Derek loves Meredith. And I'm obsessed with this CD. It's Amazing!**Disclaimer:** Nothing belongs to me, except for the character of Madison. But I love GGD!

"Hey babe. How's Seattle?" a voice says coming from Addison Shepard's cell phone.

"It's Seattle, Maddie. How's New York."

"Fantastic as usual. What's wrong?"

Addison sighs, sitting down on a bench outside the hospital. "I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. And by me, I mean me and Derek. Nothing's changing. It's like 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I feel like the fact I'm sorry means nothing anymore. I'm trying. I can't keep apologizing for the rest of my life."

Madison sighs sympathetically. She's been hearing the same thing from Addison for the last month, ever since Meredith started dating Doc's vet. "You know what I think sweetie. People grow apart and change and I personally don't think Derek especially made any attempt to grow with you."

"You're biased. You're my best friend. Of course you don't think that."

Madison laughs. "Well, partially. But I've known Derek since I was 18, Addie. I introduced you two. I admit I was pissed at you for sleeping with Mark, but you've been trying to make amends. But I think the affair was merely the final straw in a series of problems. You guys had been ignoring them for so long; well, mainly Derek by focusing on his work. This time you're both doing it. And it's not doing either one of you any good."

Addison feels the tears in her eyes and wills them not to fall. "Am I punishing myself or something? Do I deserve better than this? Or is this my punishment for being an idiot – watching my husband love another woman and not calling him on it."

"I can't answer that, Addison. I will tell you that only you can end the punishment. Derek's too much of a gentleman or wuss - take your pick of words - to stop this merry-go-round and end the game."

"I need to go now. I need to get home."

Madison can read Addison's tone change, showing she's shut down to the discussion. With Addison's temperament, there's only a short period of time in which she'll be willing to discuss her true feelings. When it's gone, it's gone.

"Alright, I'll let it go now. But I sent you a present. When you get home tonight, take a listen okay. You'll like it."

"Alright, Mads. And thank you."

"Welcome, Adds. No matter what, you have a home here. And you always have me."

"I know. Thanks," Addison says hanging up the phone.

She makes the trip home quickly, not thinking about anything. Derek has a late surgery tonight with Grey, so she's got the trailer to herself for a while. Said package is waiting on the doorstep when she gets home. She opens it up outside, not ready to go into the trailer; it's a constant reminder of how much she's compromised and how nothing's changing. The package contains a CD and a note. She looks at the CD; it's _Let Love In _by the Goo Goo Dolls. Madison had always been a huge fan, and Addison had to admit she liked a few songs. She looks at the note next.

**_Addison –  
_****_Of course I bought this CD the day it came out. It's been on repeat in my CD player since that day. I think you'll enjoy it. Give it all a listen. (Well, not tracks 6 or 10. You don't like Robby that much.) I think it will be good for you, especially 8.  
_**_**Love always,  
**__**Madison**_

After reading the note, Addison decides to get back in the car and just drive. She pops the CD in and puts it on random. It was always something Madison insisted on doing. She loved the surprise element that afforded. "Every time you listened, the order would be different," she'd say, "That doesn't happen often in life. Usually you know what's coming next."

The first song is one Addison had heard on the radio a few times – _Better Days_. It reminds her of Christmas when Derek had told her that he loved Meredith. She was more than revenge, more than Mark had been to Addison. That Christmas all Addison has wanted was the chance for better days.

_So take these words  
__And sing out loud  
__Cause everyone is forgiven now  
__Cause tonight's the night the world begins again_

She had hoped that would be true. Maybe that admonition would lead to better days for them as a couple. And it had…for a while.

Then the vet came along, and Derek got jealous even though he and Meredith were just supposed to be friends.

The next song comes on – _Can't Let It Go_. Addison finds herself unconsciously tapping her fingers along to the beat, reading the title. She realizes this is the song Madison wanted her to listen to.

"The title has potential to be interesting," Addison thinks as the lyrics begin. It's not until the chorus that she realizes why.

_I was your anger  
__And you were my fear  
__Now that it's over  
__Of course it's so clear  
__But you were no angel  
__And I was no sin  
__Somehow I can't let it go  
__I can't let you it go_

She begins to listen to words much more deeply, trying to absorb the whole song. It isn't until the bridge that she realizes that she's started crying.

_And laughter is my soul's release  
B__ut we're not smiling anymore  
__Can't we try to win this peace  
__'Cause we're never gonna win  
__Never gonna win this war_

She finds a quiet place to pull over, away from traffic and other people, as the song ends. Immediately she hits the back button to listen to the song again and again. She listens to the song probably a good 10 times, letting out all her emotions. She realizes that this relationship isn't going anywhere. It's a stalemate with her unable to give anymore and him unwilling to give her even a little bit more. And, yeah, she messed up, but if the relationship has any potential of being fixed, it would be by now. She can't blame Grey because, like Madison had said earlier, the problem existed before Meredith even entered the picture. Even before she slept with Mark. The problem lies within her and Derek, but they never tried to fix it. And maybe it was too late. Neither deserves the punishment.

Addison knows what she needs to do now, and it does not include listening to that song again. She lets it progress to the next song as she backs the car out of its parking space. Derek's probably on his way home, and they need to talk.

She just listens to the next song – _Feel the Silence_, not really thinking about anything but the music. Nothing really catches her attention until the chorus.

_And if we feel the silence  
H__olding this all inside  
__Everything means more now than  
__Words could explain  
__And if we feel the silence  
__Leaving this all behind us  
__Looking for something more to say_

It was her and Derek again. The silence between them spoke volumes. Sure they talk but never _talk _like they used to. A silence always hangs between them; one they choose to ignore.

_I don't know where I'm going  
__Only know where I been  
__But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind  
__We've been so lost for so long  
__I don't know how to get back again  
__And we're drowning in the water  
__That flows under this bridge  
__When you're fighting the current  
__You forget how to live_

Maybe that is their problem. They're so busy fighting for something that they aren't living anymore. They aren't Addison and Derek anymore; they're just another married couple trying to save something that may not be worth saving. They've tried to get back to themselves, but maybe they're just too different. Maybe this time it won't work.

Addison barely notices that she's driven back to the trailer, but she does notice that Derek is now home. She pops the CD out of her CD player and makes her way inside.

"I thought you got off a few hours ago," Derek says by way of greeting. He's sitting on the couch.

"Yeah. I was driving around," Addison replies, still not sure what to say to Derek.

"I saw you got a package from Maddie. What was it?"

"The new Goo Goo Dolls CD."

Derek laughs. "Ah, makes sense. She always did love them. And she wanted you to, also."

"It's a pretty good CD," Addison says, walking over to the small stereo in the trailer. "There are a few songs I really like." She puts it on number 8 and lets _Can't Let It Go _flow out of the speakers. "Just listen," she says as Derek is about to speak.

Derek is speechless after the song, and Addison pauses the CD player to say something. "We can't let this go, Derek. Why? We both deserve more than this."

He has no answer to her questions because he knows she's right. She realizes he won't say anything, so she turns on the next song, _Feel the Silence._

"Just one more, Derek," she says, pushing play. She heads into the bedroom and begins to pack up a couple changes of clothes and personal effects. She places her bag on the bed, and she comes out just as its ending. She pauses to turn off the CD player, and she sees him sitting there with his eyes closed. She sits down next to him, causing him to open his eyes.

"I never wanted it to end this way, Addie," he says, sitting down next to her.

"Me neither," she says with a soft smile. "But we're hurting ourselves more and resenting each other more by hanging on. We had problems long before Mark and Meredith. We ignored them, and we grew apart."

He takes her hands in his and looks her in the eye. "I still love you, Addison. I always will."

"I love you, too, Derek. And I always will. That's why I want to end this now. I don't want to hate you in the end. You always were my best friend."

"I don't want to hate you either," he says. "I tried to hate you for so long, but I never really did. I was hurt and angry, but I never hated you. And I know you're honestly sorry for what happened between you and Mark."

"Thank you," she says, knowing that was the last thing that needed to be said.

They sit there in silence for a few minutes, realizing that they've both made the decision this time. They need to let it go.

"I'm going to stay at a hotel tonight. I'll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow," she says standing up. She gets her bag from the bedroom and grabs a few things in the living room, including her CD.

"Are you going to stay in Seattle?" he asks, meeting her at the door.

Addison takes a deep breath; she really hasn't asked herself that question. "For a while, yes. I still have my contract here, and it's grown on me. I think we need to be in the same city while we sort the divorce out. I'm off tomorrow. I'll have the papers drawn up, and I'll bring them by the hospital."

"I can't believe this is it, Addison," he says. His voice betrays the pain he feels inside.

"Better now than later. We both deserve better days," she says, tears beginning to fall. "Goodbye Derek." She kisses him softly on the cheek.

"Goodbye Addison," he says, kissing her on the forehead.

She gets in her car and drives off to a hotel.

The next day everyone in the surgical ward notices that Derek seems sadder, but no one knows why. He's just finished a surgery and is working on a chart when one of the nurses calls him over.

"What is it, Olivia?"

"Dr. Shepard dropped this off for you about 30 minutes ago," she says, handing him a large manila envelope. He notices it feels too awkward for just the papers. He looks inside to see a CD and a small envelope. He pulls out the CD and sees it's a copy of _Let Love In_.

He then opens the envelope, noticing that Addison's rings are in there.

**_Derek –  
_**_**There are some other good songs on the CD that are a bit happier. Give them a chance. Here are the papers. I've gone back to New York for a few days to clear my head. I okayed it with Richard. I didn't tell him why, but he might know. You know him, he knows everything. I'll be at Madison's if you need me. We're still going to be friends after this, Derek. I'm not losing my best friend. It may take us a while, but I still want that.  
**__**See you soon,  
**__**Addison**_

He smiles at the note, and then he takes off his ring and drops it in the envelope with hers.

"I'm taking a 10 minute break if anyone asks," he tells Olivia.

She nods, and then he makes his way outside. He pulls out his cell phone to call the one person he needs to talk to.

"Just call me when you get in, so I know your safe," he says as soon as she answers.

Addison smiles, sitting in the airport waiting on her flight. "Can do."

"I still want to be friends, too, Addie. We'll work for that."

"Good. But what if Meredith's not okay with that?"

"I'm not ready for a relationship for a while. I made that mistake once, and it doesn't warrant repeating," he says, with a sigh. "I'll be jealous of Meredith dating anyone, and I'll probably be jealous of you dating anyone. But it's not fair to anyone, especially me, to get involved. If she can't wait, then so be it."

"I won't be dating for a while," Addison says. "I am going to see Mark while I'm there, though. I need to clear the air with him."

"Maybe one day I'll be able to do that," Derek says. "Holding on to the hate isn't worth it anymore. I hated him because I couldn't hate you."

"I know he probably misses you. He won't say it, but he probably does. Anyway, I've gotta go. They're calling my flight," she says.

"I'll talk to you later."

"See you in a few days, Derek."

"See you in a few days, Addison."

Both hang up with smiles on their faces. Real smiles. Because this time they did let go, and this time it is going to be okay.


End file.
